School Dances, Making Lunch and Flat Irons

I woke up last week and realized that I am living with a daughter who is growing up.  It started with her coming downstairs after getting ready for school, hair flat ironed, lip gloss applied, asking for a cup of coffee (with about three cups of added flavored creamer because she doesn't actually like coffee, but all mature people drink coffee, so why not??)

My favorite coffee from my favorite coffee brand in my favorite delivery device...the K-Cup

I looked at her, as she swilled her Starbucks K-Cup, and thought, how did this happen?  Where is my little girl, who watches Dora and has an American Girl doll collection? In my mind, I am still buying her adorable outfits at Baby Gap.

This is the classic story all mothers tell...time goes too fast...they grow up so quickly...where do the years go...you know the drill. But, what I am really asking, is where the hell did all my time go?

More important than my daughter getting older, I am getting older. Old. And, I think I can safely say that as you age, the years go by on what feels like an exponential scale, versus linear.  We adopt our own middle aged version of dog years.  One year of adolescence is like 7 adult years.  Woof.

I am struggling with aging, because in my mind, I am still in my 20's. I have relevant conversations with my college age babysitters.  I dress well.  I read Us magazine.  I know all the latest pop stars (I think just saying "pop star" made me seem really old).

In case you aren't as young and hip as I am, this is Nicki Minaj. She is a pop star.

But despite my best efforts to stay young, it just can't happen.  You age, become less relevant to the younger generation and start using inevitable phrases like "when I was your age..." and "back before there were cell phones..." In the eyes of youth, no good story ever starts out that way. What's an old girl to do?

I've decided that instead of fretting about my downward spiral toward 50, I am going to embrace it.  After all, I've invested 16 years in my marriage and 12 years in my parenting career that have made me happier than anything else I've ever done.

I don't put the pressure on myself I did in my 20's to be the best, look the best, have the most friends and be in on the best social scene.  I am content to make popcorn with my kids as we watch a family movie on a lazy Friday night after we've all talked about our week.

I know who I am.  (In my mind, the best gift of maturing) And once you know who you are, you can help your kids figure out who they are.  Self awareness is the key to not letting people, situations and life in general ruin your day.

So even though part of me is sad to see Sophie getting older because it means that I am too, I am eager with the anticipation of who she'll become and the life she'll lead.  She's off to school dances and packing her own lunch.  She asks me if I need help with anything and she is starting to babysit. She does her own homework and is begging for a cell phone. She is taking the baby steps toward maturity. And while it gives me a bittersweet pang to know she'll need me less and less, I hold her up, like a bubble, let her go and whisper, "float..."

This is my Sophie, 12 years ago. The years do go by...

Believe Me, You'll Want to Pin This. And Read It.

Places I Can't Wait to Visit. 
Puppies are so Cute! 
Braids and Sexy Updos. 
Party Pleasing Recipes. 
Parenting Ideas for Starting the School Year off Right. 
Quotes to Live By.

If statements like these make sense to you, then you, my friend, are a pinner.

Yes, you have the same disease I do. Pinterestisis. It is a fast-moving virus, quickly taking over key parts of your body, like your fingers, your eyes and your brain.  You are compulsed to search categories like, "images of Channing Tatum," "slow cooker recipes," "fall decorations," and the highly addictive "funny sayings on ecards."

Then, despite all the time you've already wasted, you can't turn your eyes away, even when they are bleary with tears and fatigue, unable to focus on the really cute picture of two kittens laying together on a heart-shaped rug.  You think to yourself, "If I could only get to the bottom of this page...". Then, you'll find something really interesting.

It affects your brain, too, making you think that all this typing and searching and laughing to yourself and saying things like "that is soooo true..." isn't a monumental waste of time. But, alas, it is.

So to save you time, because I care, I thought I would dive into the Pinterest categories that I find to be the most helpful, relevant and inspirational for my day-to-day life.

1.  Tattoos
2.  Nail polish as art
3.  Animals that I am pretty sure are not real
4.   How to make my own clothes out of oversized t-shirts
5.  Parenting for people with a lot of extra time

1.  Tattoos.  I really never knew how many tattoos were out there in the big wide world until I fired up my Pinterest account.  You can tattoo your face to look just like a skull. This is good for Halloween but bad for job interviews.  I don't know this based on any actual study or science, but I am pretty sure that what I am asserting here is correct.  You can get delicate, lady-like white ink inspirational tattoos with words like "believe" "faith" "pray" or  "never give up" tattooed on your wrist or just below your breast.  You can also get feathers, cupcakes, guns, puppies, maps, chains, and just about any other object tattooed on yourself.  And, in case you are on the fence and wondering, "will this look really silly on me when I'm older?" Here is your answer. Yes. You will look silly.

I can't really think of anything else to say about this...Thanks to The Danja Zone for the awesome pic

2.  Nail polish.  I remember the good old days when it was an accomplishment to just get a manicure. You were really put together if you had a french manicure. And, if you had a pedi too, well then, you really, really had it together. You were the envy of women far and wide. Now, you need nails that are painted like owls, cows, watermelons, chevrons and the ever enduring Hello Kitty.  There should be a website dedicated entirely to photos people take of their nails after attempting one of these recommended manicures.  I am sure that 99.9 percent of these paint jobs look nothing like the inspiration.  It would be sort of like this:

Oh this is so cute. I am going to Pin this and try it at home.

Is this close?  I think it looks sort of the same...my nails aren't as long, but other than that, it looks good, right?

3.  Animals.  Far be it from me to criticize a cute puppy, kitten, giraffe or any other fuzzy mammal that has made its way onto Pinterest. However, I am sure there exists a sub-set of these animals known as "photoshopped creatures." We want them to be real, yet, alas, they are not. They are too small, too cute, their eyes are too glassy to be of actual flesh and blood.  But, we love them anyway.  Why not, right?  This is the modern day version of the posters we grew up with in the 70's where little kittens were playing poker, around a table, wearing hats and smoking cigarettes. 

Who doesn't love the feline version of Leo and Kate on the Titanic deck, feeling like they are kings of the world?

4.  Clothing you can make yourself out of your man's t-shirts.  I think this category is sort of like, "how to live in a post-apocalyptic society".  I am pretty sure I won't start making my own clothing out of Bryan's XL shirts unless I am also hunting for my own food and figuring out how to give myself a strawberry manicure without electricity.

5.  Parenting for people I don't really believe are parents.  If you are the parent of a small brood, as I am, you really don't have time to make annual growth charts or posters that capture their favorites in everything at the start of every school year.  You don't have time to make cakes that have all the colors of the rainbow.  You can't possibly arrange the Elf on the Shelf every day in a different creative scenario, like playing a game with Barbie, getting into the flour (bad elf) or getting stuck in the open toothpaste tube.  And, you can't do all these things because you're too busy actually parenting.  But, nonetheless, we pin and pin and pin ideas that make us feel better about the possibility of parenthood.

After all, isn't that the basic appeal of Pinterest? Creating the aspirational version of ourselves for everyone to see online?  People who follow me (and yet are complete strangers) must think my house is very stylish and that I wear a lot of skinny jeans and cool boots. Or that I make great dinners every day and read a lot.  My Pinterest self is more interesting than my actual self.  My actual self is in yoga pants and a tank top searching Pinterest. Maybe if I start investing as much time in this realm, I can start living up to the realm I've created online. Or maybe I just need to find more really cool stuff on Pinterest...

My Online Soulmate...What eHarmony Can't Tell Me

It's one of my most plaguing questions....would eHarmony, the online matchmaking service that claims responsibility for five percent of U.S. marriages, match me with my husband of nearly 16 years?  If the two of us completed their profile, based on 29 distinct "dimensions of compatibility", would we, in fact, be compatible?

Cheri and Frank look happy, right? They must have matched at least 15 dimensions of compatibility

Bryan and I have pondered this as we spend time with one of our top five dimensions of compatibility -- our television. Nothing brings us closer than assessing all the people on TV that have nothing to do with our actual lives, yet capture so much of our interest. This past weekend as we were wondering if Joe Giudice is as much of an ass in person as he seems on the RHONJ, we saw an ad for eHarmony that was advertising a weekend of free matches.  This again, launched the question in my head...would online science prove that Bryan is my soul mate?

I investigated all the factors eHarmony takes into consideration -- sociability, self concept, family background, education, the list goes on and on. I firmly agree that all these things are important in meeting the right person and embarking on a relationship that has sticking power. But, after having ridden this ship for 16 years, I really think there are more probing "dimensions of compatibility" that keep you married. 

Television (yes, I love TV)
The modern American household has four TVs (okay, I made that up but I know Americans have a lot of them).  This means that TV is important, right? There needs to be a section in all online dating services where men answer questions like, "Will you, in fact, be willing to watch anything on Bravo, pretend that you actually know Bethenny Frankel, and talk about all of these people as if the choices they make impact your life?"  "Will you be able to carry on engaging conversation about whether the RHONY is better with or without Jill Zarin?" And we women need to take a look in the mirror and honestly answer questions such as "Is it okay that, starting in late August every year of your married life when college football begins, your husband will start watching Sports Center in the early morning hours on Saturday and not leave the TV until midnight?" He may say things like, "Did you make chili? Can you bring me a beer? Can you do something with the kids to get them out of my way? The game is on." If two people can deal with these TV scenarios, then I give you at least one decade.

My favorite Skinny Girl, Bethenny

In Laws
Ah, the true gift of marriage that keeps on giving.  Your in laws.  This is a very real consideration when determining how much success you can expect from a marriage. My firm belief is that every family is crazy in their own wacky, lovable way.  It may be your great uncle who drinks too much beer and takes his false teeth out at parties.  It may be your mother-in-law who likes to come over unannounced at 10 pm (when you are trying to watch Bravo).  Regardless of what it is, couples need to be aware of the fact that when you marry someone, you are also marrying the entire line of crazy behind them. Online dating services need to work this into their profile matching with questions like, "If you have someone in your life who is constantly talking about how your cooking isn't as good as hers, is that okay or will you go nuts one day and slip a little something into her latte?" "Is it okay for you to be constantly emasculated by a man who insists he should be the one to fix everything in your house because you don't have the right pair of needle-nose pliers?"

Household Chores
Most people don't really talk about this before getting married.  From most married couples I know and in my own life, it goes a little something like this:  "Men, will you accept the fact that you are responsible for taking out the trash, changing the light bulbs, scooping dog poop, killing bugs and cleaning out the garage?" "Women, will you accept that you have to do everything else?  Everyday, forever?"

Children
If you're like 98 percent of other married couples, you're going to have a few of the ankle biters.  This is where many marriages get into trouble.  Having kids is demanding work if you want to do it right.  And, while online dating services do ask questions about children, I think this is what couples really need to consider: If neither of you (especially mom) doesn't shower for two or more days, is that okay? Are you fine with not being able to have an adult conversation for about 15 years? Can you watch the Disney channel and not feel sick?  Can you view breasts as a food source? Are you offended by granny panties? Can you shop/eat/think/do everything with just one hand? Can you accept that you will always talk about your children, even when you swear you won't because you're on a date night? Child rearing is a marathon, people.

  M I C (see you real soon) K E Y (why? because we like you!) M O U S E ! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While this certainly isn't all inclusive, I think it paints a fairly good picture of what couples need to think about before embarking on marriage. And, what no dating site tells you because they can't turn this into a formula, is that the most important dimension of compatibility is finding that special person who loves you exactly the way you are and doesn't want to change anything about you. If you can find that person, everything else falls into place and you can watch TV, do your chores, raise your kids, love your in laws and be thankful every day for what you've got.