Alcohol Should Be on the School Supply List. For Mommy.

On Tuesday, my kids go back to school.  Let me repeat that so you understand.  ON TUESDAY, MY KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! Can you tell that I'm excited?

Don't get me wrong.  I love summer break.  Treating poison ivy and bug bites is one of my favorite past times. And what mom doesn't love the back door continually opening and then slamming shut every 30 seconds?  "I need to go to the bathroom.  I need a drink of water. I forgot my this. I want my that. I scraped my knee. It's hot outside. There are bees out there. Can I come in?" It's like music to my ears.

My kids should be doing things like this but they are too busy coming in and out of the house to actually do this.

I know that I am speaking for everyone here when I say that the bestest, best part of summer vacation is the activity that truly highlights the end of it:  the annual purchasing of school supplies.

I look back fondly to when I had just one child in school.  The list of supplies needed to forge ahead one grade level was so streamlined; so easy.  Now, with three children, the lists have multiplied and taken me over.  I can't organize them in my head.  As I stood at Target last week, amid a sea of other mothers with the same dazed look on their faces as I had on my own, I realized something.  School supply shopping sucks. And here's why.

I would like to propose that a school supply fairy be invented by whoever invented all the other fairies.

You have to take your children.
There is nothing worse than shopping for at least 75 items in a store packed with other people while you have your children with you.  It's chaotic, loud and not for the weak of spirit, bringing out that nagging question mothers often ask themselves in times like these..."what would my life be like without kids?" Fantasies of meandering down a beach, or walking the streets of New York in really great shoes come to mind. You look skinny and put together; you have a great bag that does not contain headbands, goldfish and the random DS game; and you don't even know what a composition notebook is. Then, some child in Target runs a cart into your heels and you're painfully shocked back into reality.  You brush off your 30 second fantasy life and are dropped back into the never ending aisle of #2 pencils.

Here I am living my NYC life.  Oh, wait. That's Bethenny Frankel. My NYC life would be more like this...

Image from Rob Lang Images

I would love nothing more than to leave my kids home while I shop for three-subject notebooks, protractors, binders and scientific calculators, but I can't because my kids are fashion oriented and must pick out folders and notebooks and pencils that all coordinate and fall into whatever theme they have designated as appropriate for this year. So they go with me.

Teachers Intentionally Try to Torture Us with Supplies that Don't Exist.
If I had a dollar (or really even a nickel) for every time the supply list specified "five yellow highlighters" only to go to the store to find out they are sold in packs of four, I would be rich. And then, I could pay some poor underling to shop for me. 

Why does this happen? Do teachers not ever shop for these items and understand the quantities that Crayola, Rose Art and Mead deem appropriate?  Why do we need 12 markers when they come in packs of 8 or 10? Why does the expandable folder need to have seven pockets when most have 5 or 6? Is the goal to make me go slowly insane? To break me down? To make me cry like a baby and have everyone at Target stare at me with pity and disgust all at the same time? If I were in charge of the world (that would be fun), I would shorten supply lists to be something like this:

• Pencils 
• Pens (any color; they can be retractable; go crazy)
• Colored pencils
• Markers
• Scissors, glue and tape
• Ruler (it does not have to be transparent)
• As many notebooks as you have subjects (we trust you learned to count in your previous grades at this fine school)
• some large containment device for papers and other stuff (and yes, you can buy a Trapper Keeper) 
• Wine or other cocktail of choice for the adult purchasing the specified supplies

We Now Are Responsible for All Classroom Supplies
Baby wipes, Clorox wipes, tissues, papertowels, dry erase markers, dry erasers, stickers, baggies, aluminum foil, plastic wrap.  Need I say more?

As I get ready for the big first day of school, I am filled with anticipation.  The house to myself, coffee in the quiet. Maybe even a sneak peak at daytime Bravo programming, which is off limits all summer long. And, of course, the loose supplies that are sent back home with my kids because they were one or two more than what was needed for the classroom. 

Believe Me, You'll Want to Pin This. And Read It.

Places I Can't Wait to Visit. 
Puppies are so Cute! 
Braids and Sexy Updos. 
Party Pleasing Recipes. 
Parenting Ideas for Starting the School Year off Right. 
Quotes to Live By.

If statements like these make sense to you, then you, my friend, are a pinner.

Yes, you have the same disease I do. Pinterestisis. It is a fast-moving virus, quickly taking over key parts of your body, like your fingers, your eyes and your brain.  You are compulsed to search categories like, "images of Channing Tatum," "slow cooker recipes," "fall decorations," and the highly addictive "funny sayings on ecards."

Then, despite all the time you've already wasted, you can't turn your eyes away, even when they are bleary with tears and fatigue, unable to focus on the really cute picture of two kittens laying together on a heart-shaped rug.  You think to yourself, "If I could only get to the bottom of this page...". Then, you'll find something really interesting.

It affects your brain, too, making you think that all this typing and searching and laughing to yourself and saying things like "that is soooo true..." isn't a monumental waste of time. But, alas, it is.

So to save you time, because I care, I thought I would dive into the Pinterest categories that I find to be the most helpful, relevant and inspirational for my day-to-day life.

1.  Tattoos
2.  Nail polish as art
3.  Animals that I am pretty sure are not real
4.   How to make my own clothes out of oversized t-shirts
5.  Parenting for people with a lot of extra time

1.  Tattoos.  I really never knew how many tattoos were out there in the big wide world until I fired up my Pinterest account.  You can tattoo your face to look just like a skull. This is good for Halloween but bad for job interviews.  I don't know this based on any actual study or science, but I am pretty sure that what I am asserting here is correct.  You can get delicate, lady-like white ink inspirational tattoos with words like "believe" "faith" "pray" or  "never give up" tattooed on your wrist or just below your breast.  You can also get feathers, cupcakes, guns, puppies, maps, chains, and just about any other object tattooed on yourself.  And, in case you are on the fence and wondering, "will this look really silly on me when I'm older?" Here is your answer. Yes. You will look silly.

I can't really think of anything else to say about this...Thanks to The Danja Zone for the awesome pic

2.  Nail polish.  I remember the good old days when it was an accomplishment to just get a manicure. You were really put together if you had a french manicure. And, if you had a pedi too, well then, you really, really had it together. You were the envy of women far and wide. Now, you need nails that are painted like owls, cows, watermelons, chevrons and the ever enduring Hello Kitty.  There should be a website dedicated entirely to photos people take of their nails after attempting one of these recommended manicures.  I am sure that 99.9 percent of these paint jobs look nothing like the inspiration.  It would be sort of like this:

Oh this is so cute. I am going to Pin this and try it at home.

Is this close?  I think it looks sort of the same...my nails aren't as long, but other than that, it looks good, right?

3.  Animals.  Far be it from me to criticize a cute puppy, kitten, giraffe or any other fuzzy mammal that has made its way onto Pinterest. However, I am sure there exists a sub-set of these animals known as "photoshopped creatures." We want them to be real, yet, alas, they are not. They are too small, too cute, their eyes are too glassy to be of actual flesh and blood.  But, we love them anyway.  Why not, right?  This is the modern day version of the posters we grew up with in the 70's where little kittens were playing poker, around a table, wearing hats and smoking cigarettes. 

Who doesn't love the feline version of Leo and Kate on the Titanic deck, feeling like they are kings of the world?

4.  Clothing you can make yourself out of your man's t-shirts.  I think this category is sort of like, "how to live in a post-apocalyptic society".  I am pretty sure I won't start making my own clothing out of Bryan's XL shirts unless I am also hunting for my own food and figuring out how to give myself a strawberry manicure without electricity.

5.  Parenting for people I don't really believe are parents.  If you are the parent of a small brood, as I am, you really don't have time to make annual growth charts or posters that capture their favorites in everything at the start of every school year.  You don't have time to make cakes that have all the colors of the rainbow.  You can't possibly arrange the Elf on the Shelf every day in a different creative scenario, like playing a game with Barbie, getting into the flour (bad elf) or getting stuck in the open toothpaste tube.  And, you can't do all these things because you're too busy actually parenting.  But, nonetheless, we pin and pin and pin ideas that make us feel better about the possibility of parenthood.

After all, isn't that the basic appeal of Pinterest? Creating the aspirational version of ourselves for everyone to see online?  People who follow me (and yet are complete strangers) must think my house is very stylish and that I wear a lot of skinny jeans and cool boots. Or that I make great dinners every day and read a lot.  My Pinterest self is more interesting than my actual self.  My actual self is in yoga pants and a tank top searching Pinterest. Maybe if I start investing as much time in this realm, I can start living up to the realm I've created online. Or maybe I just need to find more really cool stuff on Pinterest...