The Home I Left Behind

I know I've been out of commission for a few months now, and it's because my family moved.  Yes, we picked up 15 years of our lives; all our stuff, all our memories and the heaviness of our hearts and moved across town to be closer to everything we do and every place we go. It was the right thing to do.  It's saved me more hours than I can count in drive time, reduced costs and put us in the epicenter of World LiBrandi. You know what they say - location, location, location.

So if the move was the right thing for us, why are we all so sad?

We're sad because we had to say goodbye to more than our neighbors and our street and our routine.  I had no idea how I would feel about leaving my home when we made the decision to move. And it's hard to put into words even now.  This blog has been swimming in my head since December, and all I know; all I can articulate, is this:

I believe my house was alive. (stick with me).  Not possessed. Not haunted. But infused with the love and hope and growing that my family created there in its rooms and its hallways.

When I brought each baby home to that house, to the room that was the nursery for each of them, I believe those walls hugged me when I was up at night, walking a sick baby or nursing a tired one back to sleep.  And when I felt like I was so exhausted that I wanted to cry (and sometimes did), it was the peace and innocence of the nursery with its pastel walls and white bedding and comfy rocking chair that pushed me gently to go on.

I believe that my kitchen helped me prep for every birthday, every holiday and every get together with friends by giving good light to inspire me, enough space to let me dance around while I was prepping and by extending an open invitation to every person that came into my home.  My kitchen was a great hostess.

I know that my family room (also known as my home office) was my biggest cheerleader.  Sitting there, coffee mug on coffee table, laptop on lap, music playing on speakers, some of my best business ideas were born.  I loved the hours when the kids were at school and I had the silence of just my house and me; brainstorming and writing. It's the room where my business was born and my time in that room helped me grow it. It's where this blog came into being so it's fitting that I'm writing this story.

Our basement was a partier.  Sleepovers, xbox tournaments, hide and seek; you name it and that basement did it.  And while she had a sense of fun, she wasn't too wild and was always respectful.  She never broke anything or hurt anyone.

I know part of what makes this move hard is that the home I left is the home where all the big stuff happened.  Births, first communions, milestone birthdays, first lost teeth, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.  And while I know we'll make new memories in our new house, they won't be the same.  I won't have toddlers staring up at me with a smile and wide eyes in this house. I won't have little ones running down the stairs on Christmas morning in this house.  I won't have kids begging to go outside in the snow and then coming back in five minutes later for hot chocolate. I left the house that turned me into a mother and cradled me as I made my family.

The other day Gabe said to me, "I miss our old house." And hoping that I could find out what he missed and recreate it here, I asked him what he missed.  "Everything" was the answer.  How do you recreate everything?  The answer is that you don't.  You create new things.  And we are on our way to doing that.  We are finding our way, building new routines and discovering daily what is wonderful about our new home. Because it is wonderful and we are lucky to live here.

I often remind myself that a house is a house and a home is the people that are in it.  Our home will always be where we LiBrandis are, bound together by more than bricks and mortar for longer than any house will stand.

But I still miss my house. I know she misses me too. She has a new family now and I know she will treat them well. She will help them grow and be the family they are meant to be. She will coach and encourage, give them soft spaces and fun places. She will expand and contract with them so that my home will become theirs.  And that is okay. It's okay because that's what love does.  It leaves a little behind so that others can have it. My house loving its new family doesn't change the love she gave me. In fact, it makes it bigger. I like thinking of a new family there, enjoying her light, playing in the yard, making new memories.  I like that my home is passed on for others to love it.

As we spent our last hours there in December, all our possessions already in our new home, we each retreated to our rooms and spent quiet moments there saying goodbye in our individual ways.  There were lots of tears, but not from me.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to unload the heaviness of seeing my home empty, but I didn't.  As I stood and said my final farewell to my friend, I wanted my last look to be clear so I could see all that she gave me.

A typical birthday party in our house

A visit from Grandpa before Gabe was even born. Cousins were visiting too

Napping in the sunshine

Sara's first birthday

My 40th birthday party

My final goodbye

What's Your Super Power?

The other day, my family was sitting around having a typical LiBrandi conversation about I don't even remember what, and my son asked the question, "If you could have one super power, what would it be?" All sorts of answers came up. Invisibility. The ability fly. To sleep on demand (that one was mine). To read minds. The list goes on. It's easy to imagine life as Iron Man or Spider Man, full of impenetrable strength, tireless energy and the ability to get back up no matter what knocks us down or how hard.

I love Iron Man. I really just love Robert Downey Jr. 

Sophie's answer was "I would want the super power to fill things up."

Huh?

That's not a super power.

So I asked her why she would pick such an unusual (lame) super power.

"Well," she started off, "in a really practical way, I would never have to get up from the couch to fill my glass or get more of a snack, so that would be good.  And, if I had to talk to someone I really didn't want to talk to, I could fill up their bladder so they'd have to go to the bathroom, which would get me out of the conversation." Sophie is always no-nonsense.

"But," she continued, "if someone was hurting or causing pain in the world, I could fill them up with whatever they needed and make them happy.  It could stop crimes, hate, fear..."

I realized how profound her super power was. The power to fill what is empty. Replenish what is low. Cover what is cold. Erase what makes us less.

Don't we all already have this super power to some extent?  As a parent, it's what we try to do every day for our kids. Leave no void.  Make them full.

Imagine if we took that approach with everyone we met. I know I don't do it. Often, we are busy filling ourselves up.  We want more of everything.  More stuff, more experiences, more friends, more money. I know this is true of myself. I spend a lot of time thinking about the next thing I need; the outfit I want to buy; what's trending online; why I don't look like this or act more like that, when I can schedule another night out with friends.

But if we see everyone's anger or short temper or inability to be how we want them to be not as a character flaw, but as a cry to be filled with something perhaps only we can supply, then aren't we all better off?  Aren't we left feeling more connected?  Because we all need something.  No matter how much our parents tried or we try with our own children, they can't fill us alone. It's our job to continue the work of our families and promise to fill each other.

My super heroes who fill me up every day

The fact that we don't often do this doesn't make us bad people. It just means we're not super hero status.  We haven't fined tuned our innate super power of being a world class filler upper.

That is my wish for myself and for all of us.  Can we, for just one day, focus on filling up? On turning that day around for one person near us?  I promise to fill you up if you fill me up. And soon, our cup runneth over.

"But really," Sophie ended, "if we are talking traditional super powers, I don't know why everyone just doesn't pick shape shifter. You can then become anything you want. It's the ultimate super power."

Point taken. But since I can't shape shift, I will stick with being a filler upper.

I'm a Moxi, You're a Moxi ... Hey Let's Be Friends

I hate to be a buzz kill, but summer is over.

I know. I suck. And I also know that the sweet, optimistic, summer loving bunch of you is saying, "No, Deb. Summer is not over. It's not. It's only early August. We have weeks of summer left. We can finally go to the pool because the monsoonal rains seem to have stopped. So shut up."

Sorry friends. Summer. Is. Over.

For me, and anyone else who has kids under the age of 16 but over the age of 6 knows, summer ends the moment fall sports begin. Starting in late July, I was back at it, driving my beloved offspring to different locations every day. Six-day practice schedules. Five-day camps. Optional conditioning sessions (which aren't really optional, by the way).

And I am not alone.  I know this because I see a bunch of other moms at the same places I am.  Expansive parking lots, school gyms, park like settings that hold us captive for 1.5 to 2 hours at a time. We are a hardened, professional, adept group of gas guzzling, coffee swilling, carpooling taxis. We are moms who drive taxis. We are moxi's. Yes, we are MOXI'S.

This got me thinking.  Why not take our self-induced schedules of imprisonment and turn them into a business opportunity?  We could, say, acknowledge that we are driving around all the time anyway, and perhaps, charge people to come along with us. We could drop them where they need to be for a small fare.  We'd be better than a taxi; we have nicer vehicles, we don't overuse the gross smelling air freshener and we drive much more safely.  I love this idea!

Then, it hit me.

Frickin Über.

Damn it!

I went onto the Uber website, clicked on the options of "becoming a driver" and here is what Uber told me:

Image from Uber.com. 

I mean, look at her. She's cool. She's dressed like us. She has a smaller vehicle than most of us (no carpooling in that) but we can let that slide.  We can earn great money as an independent contractor. Get paid weekly. Be our own boss on our own schedule.

But wait, there's more!

Image from Uber.com

We can turn our cars into money machines!  We can cash in on the action!

Image from Uber.com

This is my favorite part of the job...drive when I want. I mean, we Moxi's don't get to drive when we want. That's the very definition of being a Moxi - driving around all the times we don't want. 8 am Saturday; 10 pm weeknights. If I really drove around when I wanted, it would probably be a smallish window from 10 am to 10:07 am.  Done.

So, maybe my idea of operationalizing all of us Moxi's won't work. It's already been done and anyway, kids don't have a lot of cash.  So, getting paid will have to stick to the more traditional forms of payment we're used to. Things like:

Can we stop for ice cream on the way home?
Why were you late?
I told you we had to take Jake home...
They added an extra practice time this week
We are going an hour later than the schedule says
Gas just went about $4 a gallon
You need new tires
I can't come to book club

And then there's the payment we all really want:

"Thanks mom. I know how much you give up for me and I love you. I know you spend all your time driving us around and I appreciate it."

It may not sound exactly like that, but every once in a while, the sentiment is there. And I know I speak for all Moxi's when I say that hearing that, or getting that hug, or having a child run toward the car after a practice, or having them say "are you going to stay and watch me?" is worth all the driving and the wear and tear and the end of summer.

I am a Moxi. You are a Moxi. And we love it.

Uber ain't got nothin on us.

Now get in your minivan and get going! You're late to practice!

Her Sexy, Sexy Summer...A Novel.

I'm working on a little something and am hoping you can take a look at it for me.  It's the start of a summertime novel...

"She didn't want to touch it; to take it in her nervous hands; to absorb it into her psyche, but she knew she had to.  She had no choice.  Her mother had talked with her about this very thing; about how timing is everything and that you have to do it when it's right.  But, she knew once she started, there would be no going back. No do overs. No new beginnings. This was it. Was this the day? The time? The way to start down this path? 

She opened her laptop, read through her AP Government homework assignment and knew it was the time.  "Summer homework, here I come," she said to herself, determined to get it done, get it done right and keep doing it, all summer long."


Like it? Me too.

Sorry to pull out the sexy, but I knew that if I started this post with "let me rant about summer homework" many of you might not read it.

Now that we know that the "thing" is, in fact, summer homework, let's dive in.

My kids have no less than 13 summer assignments between the three of them, all due at various points this summer.  While I'm all for maintaining their brain power and ensuring the financial return on the investment I've made in each of them, can we all agree that summer homework is for the birds?

To start off sounding like an old person, we never had summer homework growing up. And we are just fine!  We own businesses.  We are doctors, lawyers, parents, teachers and overall highly contributing members of society. I mean, look at me. I write real good (yes, that was intentional).

I truly believe that the pace of life has accelerated through technology and the resulting expectations (and probably other elements of the time/space continuum that I don't understand) to the point that we cannot appreciate or even stand "down time".  It makes us feel nervous, like we aren't taking care of things we should be focused on. As a society, we say we want this...more vacation time, more alone time, more "me" time. But when we get it, we fill it up with Facebook, Words with Friends, Instagram and myriad other online distractions that leave us feeling like we need to dig into the next thing, and right away.  We can't be still with ourselves.

I am guilty of this. I am always on my phone. I am always on email. I love social media, and binging on Netflix on a Saturday is my idea of a great time. So even though we identify this lack of quiet time as an issue, we just can't stop.

Enter summer homework.  Is the pace of the school year not enough?  I look at the hours my kids spend on homework, service hours, extra curricular activities and the time it takes to make me happy and it's a lot. I know it's more than I spent on all those things as a student.  And, the crazy thing is that I don't consider my kids overly scheduled. They have their passions and their projects, but I have never been a mom who has them involved in multiple things at one time.  At least I don't think I am that mom...

I deeply, truly love summer. I love that my kids sleep in. That I get to sleep in a little bit later. That we don't have to rush out the door in the morning. There is value in a slow breakfast. There is adventure in waking up and deciding what to do that day. There is a lot of money to be spent at Kings Island.

Old school summer fun from back in the day

I love the whole pace of summer living; slower, relaxed, spontaneous and chill.  But, homework gets in the way of all of that. It disrupts what I want summer to be about for my kids:  swimming, exploring, reading what they want to read, hanging out with friends and making memories.  With assignments due at various dates that are spread throughout the summer, they always have the next assignment looming in the back of their minds, wondering when they need to start working on it.

Now don't get me wrong. They will do their homework and they will do it well.  We are LiBrandi's and we do what's asked of us and with fervor.  But, I just. don't. want. to.

Hey look! An actual outdoor activity!

Can you blame me?  I'm sure there are studies that prove that summer homework improves performance throughout the school year.  And we are a performance driven society.  In America, we work more hours than any other civilized nation.  And we are proud of it.  But there is more to life than accomplishments (and this statement is coming from an extreme Type A, results oriented, super competitive person).  I often have to remind myself of this, but for me, the days I feel best about are those where I've caught up with a friend, bought Starbucks for the person behind me in the drive-thru line, made a dinner my kids really liked and that we ate together, started my day with meditation and ended it with saying thank you.  In short, my best days are days focused on people. Not things.

And while I know summer homework doesn't remove human connection from summer time, it does clutter our minds and distract us from it.  So while my oldest is working on creating a PPT about different political parties' views on four societal issues and my middle is churning through 100's of online math problems and my little 8 year old is doing two book reports, I will try to prod the laptops out of their hands for a little bit and ask them to look at the stars and catch fireflies.  To, despite its brightness, actually go out into the sun. To have slumber parties in the family room and make s'mores.  I will encourage them to finish my summer homework assignment:  stop being a student and just be you.

This is the best homework of the summer.  To put down the things and pick up the people.

The wonder of watching fireworks.
Make that a homework assignment this summer! 

Free to be You and Me

This past weekend, my little family of five went on a fabulous adventure to the Bunbury Music Festival in Cincinnati.  We all had our reasons for wanting to go; Bryan and I wanted to see the Black Keys and Avett Brothers; the girls wanted to see Twenty One Pilots and Gabe just didn't want to be left behind at home alone. We all got what we wanted and more.

This isn't Bunbury, but it is the Avett Brothers. And they were amazing.
Flickr - moses namkung 

As is true with most things, they take on new meaning as you get into the heart of them.  For me, the festival was our official claim on the start of summer, a mini vacation, a chance to hear some great live music.  What it morphed into was a deep lesson on fear, parenting and being in the right place at the right time.

Bunbury, for all its warm beer, stench of marijuana, lack of shade and in-my-face reminders of just how old I am, taught me a lot.

We Can't Shield Our Kids From Life
Now, I know that life isn't smoking pot, swearing and running around with glow sticks.  But, that is sometimes a sliver of life, and that's the sliver we were served this weekend.  At first, once it became apparent to me that A LOT of the concert attendees were high (or drunk) and that I was really not in control of what my kids were going to be exposed to, I panicked.  I panicked I had made the wrong decision; that we shouldn't be there; that my kids were going to go home, drop out of school and binge watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High. But, after a quick discussion about what they were smelling and what it was, it was out of their minds.  They had checked the box and moved onto things worthy of their attention. And then the obvious lesson hit me:  my job as a mom is not to keep my kids from everything.  That's impossible and as they grow, impractical.  My job is to equip them for dealing with what may come their way.  For me, that means loving them unconditionally, providing a safe place to question, honest answers about what's happening and frank discussion about right and wrong; healthy and unhealthy; smart and shortsighted. I exhaled my second hand pot smoke and felt better.

Some good clean bubble fun to wash away the pot and beer 

It's Good for Kids to See Glimpses of Us as Kids Ourselves
More mesmerizing than the glow sticks were the kids' reactions to their parents being young.  We hung in there, walked miles, didn't poo poo their favorite bands for a swear word here or there and when it came time for us to enjoy the bands we came for, we sang. And we danced.  And we weren't old.  We were people enjoying the moment, embracing the vibe and having a great time.  Our kids could almost imagine us as teenagers. And that makes us just a little bit relatable to them.  And that's a good thing.

My Kids Are Free to Be Themselves
Sophie is now 15 and really embracing her artistic side. I can fully relate to this because I have this side and I remember feeling it emerge at around the same age.  The difference is that I didn't feel like I lived in an environment that supported self expression.  It was viewed as counter culture and shocking.  So it became something I exposed to certain people but downplayed with others.  I was never fully my full self.  Because of that, I have always worked hard to support all my children's artistic endeavors (or any interest, for that matter).  Writing, singing, music, art and acting are part of our daily lives.  So as Sophie comes more and more into herself, I've been faced with statements like "I love pink hair" or "I'm starting a writing account on Instagram and I'm going to make it public so I can get as many followers as possible" or "I want to sell my art on Etsy" or "How old would I have to be to sing in a bar?" Her personal style is unique and I'm proud of her strong sense of who she is.  At 15, she is already sailing her own ship.

At one point on Sunday, there was a young woman standing close to us that I had already noticed because she felt like a future version of Sophie. Grayish, pink hair, lavender nails, combat boots and circle sunglasses.  Sophie was watching her, then turned to me and said with a sheepish smile, "Are you afraid I'll be like that someday?"  The word "afraid" stopped me in my tracks.  I don't want my children to ever think I'm afraid of anything they are meant to become.  I smiled back at her and said, "I don't think afraid is the right word, but I definitely see you in her." And what I wanted to continue to say, but didn't, was, "Sophie, I would never be afraid of you. I love your style. I love that you aren't afraid to show it. I love that you have a plan for your life that involves learning and growing and creating and travel. I love that you aren't alarmed by anything different than you. I am envious that I didn't have all of that in me at 15."

I loved the Bunbury Music Festival.  I loved that it was the place I finally fully realized that I don't need to be afraid of my kids' futures. I need to embrace who they are, who they are becoming and the relationships I will have with each of them.  And, I loved dancing to the Avett Brothers.

Us and 8,000 of our closest friends

The day my fear died :-) 

This is My Last Blog Post...

...About my Accident

Friday was the last day of school for my two younger kids and it was a typical, frantic morning. Actually, more so than usual because we had the flurry of teacher gifts, after school clothes/money/things needed since the kids were celebrating the end of their imprisonment with friends.  We had a few minor mishaps like eyeshadow falling and breaking all over the kitchen floor (don't even ask why makeup was in the kitchen), a bag with a hole in it; the list goes on.

I wasn't in a great mood; half yelling at the kids to get moving, irritated that I didn't have time to get to the Facebook "kids' last day of school" photo in front of the house, wishing I had more time to be by myself on my last true day of freedom.

Then, as I was driving hastily to school, I was reminded of something I've been thinking about religiously for weeks but that for some reason had escaped my mind that morning.  "This is the spot one year ago where I had my accident."

The accident that left me broken but better, slowed down (temporarily) but not stopped, dependent but not helpless.

"I am an ass."

This is what I thought at that moment.

I am worried about this and that; gifts and bags; to do lists and places to go.  I am however, not thinking about what I should be thinking about.  I am alive.  One year ago, I could not walk. Today, I am running miles.

And so here it is.  I've thought for weeks about writing this post; a blog about the anniversary of my accident, but didn't really know what I was going to say. Thanks? I'm better? What I've learned?  Then, as it so often happens, life knocked on my mind's window and gave me my topic:

How to not let go of my accident.

It's an ironic statement. Why would I not want to let go of something so horrible? Why wouldn't the past be the best place for my accident to live?

Just like the break up with your first love, you almost don't want the pain to end. The pain makes the love real. The only reason you are hurting so much is because you loved so much.  That's how I feel about my accident.

I don't want to let it go. 

Once I got my kids to school, I came home and read through all the blogs I wrote last summer.  Blogs about who I wanted to become, what I would be and how my life would be different because of my  temporary confinement to the couch.  I meant every word of it.  And, then just like the break from your first love, the pain lessens, you move on, you convince yourself it wasn't that bad and you return to yourself.

But I don't want to return to myself.  I don't want to be Deb pre-May 30, 2014.  In that period of weeks as I was recovering, I found a grittier version of myself. I found someone who wasn't as afraid as she thought; someone who could smile through trial and who could forgive without even being apologized to. I loved more and slowed down. I found someone I liked better.

And then, more and more, as days turned to months and those months turned into one year, I've lost her.  Not entirely; not completely. But a little bit.  When I am impatient and yelling at people I love and pushing through moments like they don't matter and wishing things were other than they are, I've lost her.

I had many people reach out to me over the past week about the one year anniversary, and I even marked the date with a small gathering of close friends. I talked for a bit about what all of them did for me and it was a wonderful night. But, after I was alone, and in the honest darkness of night with myself, I thought the words I don't have the courage to say.

I am afraid.  I'm afraid I can't hold on to how I changed. I'm afraid I'm just the same old person I was before my crash. I'm scared that the spark that lit up a part of me is slowly going out. Even though I'm walking fine, I am more unsteady than ever.

What if the change was just a phase, which means it really wasn't change at all? What if I'm the same? And what if all the good people did for me was for nothing? What if I'm a fraud? What if the words of support and affirmation from those who love me make me want to cry because I secretly feel like I haven't done much?

This is how I feel one year from my accident; on sea legs trying to find footing on solid ground.

And the worst part is that I can't explain why. I can't explain why I'm restless with what I have yet to accomplish despite the fact that I've accomplished a lot. I don't know why I am not as proud of myself as those around me are. I don't know why.

And so I rush through days, push out the thoughts and smile when people tell me how great I'm doing. But that is no way to live. I know this.

I know that holding onto the past, in any situation, keeps us from the future.  I need to let it go.  I need to put it firmly behind me with the conviction that the best is yet to come. Because despite what I am unsure of right now, I do know that the best is always yet to come.  So, this marks my last blog about my accident. It's been a meaningful year for me to share my emotions with you and your attention has been a gift. But, starting now, I'm forging ahead in a new direction.

I hope you'll continue to spend some time with me.

You. Yes, You.

Fiona Apple (remember her?) wrote some song lyrics way back in the 90's that have always stuck with me:  "Nothing is nearly so heavy as empty..." Our emptiness is a weighty load to carry all by ourselves. And most of us are doing it all the time.  Fretting about our kids, job worries, wanting to be happy but feeling like we're failing, concerns about parents getting older, hoping our marriage is strong, thoughts for friends going through hard times.  Someone is always grieving. Someone is always hurting. Someone always feels like less than enough. Someone is always lost.

I was weighted down with my own emptiness until you showed up. Yes, you. After my accident, I was left laying on my couch, unable to move, wondering how I would get through the next hour.  Then, something amazing happened over the next two months. You helped me.

All the time, people ask me "what did you learn from the accident...what did it teach you?" The honest answer is that the accident taught me a hundred small things - to be thankful, to not take love for granted, to value everyday actions like being able to walk, to relish in moving your body and making it sweat. To put my phone away because people matter more. But, if I had to boil it down to ONE lesson, it would be this:  People are powerful.

All by ourselves, each of us, is profoundly powerful. So many of you took the time - which you probably thought didn't really matter - to help me.  When you take each individual act in the totality of everyone who reached out, I am left in awe of you. I am humbled by you. I am changed by you.

67 people brought dinner to my family so we could eat together and still have some semblance of normalcy
28 people and clients sent me flowers
I received 126 cards in the mail
I received texts, emails, calls and comments on social media too numerous to count
Countless friends brought me Starbucks
Family and friends served as my taxi service, running errands and taking my kids where they needed to be
People stopped by all the time just to say hi and visit
I had surprise visits
Family and friends spent the night so I would not be alone
Book club, bunko and other events were relocated to my house so I could participate
People prayed for me and my healing

And all of this - the mass of this, buoyed me and carried me from stuck on the couch to floating toward the future.  I knew I could do it because of what you did. I actually feel lucky because I had this accident. I feel lucky because it taught me that five minutes of your time really matters.  My time matters and I will invest it wisely.  I will invest it in you.

I've seen this lesson played out many times this summer, from friends dealing with losses of different kinds to another friend whose dog was stolen from her and then returned due to all the publicity the event garnered.  This publicity started because one person shared the story on social media. Then two. Then, literally more than 50,000. 50,000 individual actions changed the course of this dog's life. Our personal actions matter. What we choose to do matters. People are powerful.

These months taught me that experiences that should and could be isolating can actually be fulfilling, expanding, connecting events when people take the time to offer of themselves.  I will never ignore a meal request again. I will never not send a card because I think it will just be one of many, I will never not take the time to call someone.  Nothing is as heavy as empty.  I will always seek to lighten that load because of you.  Thank you.

I am so full. And so light.