Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down

I know that we are supposed to love people and not things, but I love my husband and he loves his grandparents' house. And, he found out today that it, as well as the 200-year-old trees on the property, are being torn down tomorrow, July 25, by the person who bought it to make way for a new, supposedly better house. 

I have never been inside this house that I've heard so much about.  It rests on the bank of the Susquehanna River in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and by the time I met Bryan, it had been sold because his grandmother could not take care of it alone.  I have driven by it, too many times to count, as we make the trip from Ohio to my in law's house in the mountains.  It is stately and beautiful from the outside, but it has not been a home for a long time.  Like many of the older homes on Front Street, once the premier residence in Harrisburg, it is now a business, bought by a company who saw the value in its size and what it could offer.  It is built of mostly stone as many Pennsylvania houses are and was the home of Bryan's grandparents until his grandfather passed away.  It is where his mother grew up and where he spent a lot of his childhood days.

I know stories of foot-deep window sills that made for the perfect reading spot.  I know of the garden plot his grandfather started and let others plant in and how Bryan enjoyed the vegetables that were grown there.  I have seen this house's contents, beautifully maintained in my in law's house, which is where Bryan's grandmother lived until she passed away a few years ago.  When my in laws built their house that Mary Keller (Bryan's grandmother) called home for the last 20+ years of her life, the living room was built exactly to size to hold the area rug from her own home.  All her antique furniture was there, too, and stories always unfolded about who did what in this room or that, sitting on this chair or couch, and it made the new home containing these family treasures feel not old, but worn in and familiar, like the Velveteen Rabbit who became real with love. I always felt other worldly sitting with her on a couch from the early 1900's, taken back in time to days that seemed long gone, slow paced and more peaceful than the lives we live now.

My heart aches that it is being demolished.  I know that time marches on and stops for no one and that like the nursery rhyme, we all fall down.  I know that the new owner of this address, 4415 North Front Street, has no idea what he is tearing down. I am sure what he builds will be lovely.  But it won't be the home forged by the hard work, masonry and woodworking of true craftsmen from our grandparent's time.  It won't have the details the old house contained because homes just don't anymore.  It won't have the memories of a family who lived there and considered it their heart.  And it won't be the place that made my husband into the man he is today.

Being in Ohio, I feel trapped. I want to drive there tomorrow, take pieces of this house from the rubble and turn them into something that can live on in my own home. A door, a window sill, a frame, pieces of stone.  All the things that will be separate, disjointed and mangled tomorrow were for so many years the fabric of the people I love.

But, I can't do that.  What I can do is realize that I am forging my own home for my family and that I can't know now what will be that one thing that for some reason, holds onto my children's heart strings the strongest.  I am reminded of how little things matter.  A tomato from a garden. A window seat that is cool in the summer. A chestnut tree in the yard to climb. And always a warm embrace to welcome you. These are the stuff of family; of my family.

Here is a link to the home at 4415 North Front Street.  Good bye sweet girl.

http://goo.gl/maps/4Zvc

My Online Soulmate...What eHarmony Can't Tell Me

It's one of my most plaguing questions....would eHarmony, the online matchmaking service that claims responsibility for five percent of U.S. marriages, match me with my husband of nearly 16 years?  If the two of us completed their profile, based on 29 distinct "dimensions of compatibility", would we, in fact, be compatible?

Cheri and Frank look happy, right? They must have matched at least 15 dimensions of compatibility

Bryan and I have pondered this as we spend time with one of our top five dimensions of compatibility -- our television. Nothing brings us closer than assessing all the people on TV that have nothing to do with our actual lives, yet capture so much of our interest. This past weekend as we were wondering if Joe Giudice is as much of an ass in person as he seems on the RHONJ, we saw an ad for eHarmony that was advertising a weekend of free matches.  This again, launched the question in my head...would online science prove that Bryan is my soul mate?

I investigated all the factors eHarmony takes into consideration -- sociability, self concept, family background, education, the list goes on and on. I firmly agree that all these things are important in meeting the right person and embarking on a relationship that has sticking power. But, after having ridden this ship for 16 years, I really think there are more probing "dimensions of compatibility" that keep you married. 

Television (yes, I love TV)
The modern American household has four TVs (okay, I made that up but I know Americans have a lot of them).  This means that TV is important, right? There needs to be a section in all online dating services where men answer questions like, "Will you, in fact, be willing to watch anything on Bravo, pretend that you actually know Bethenny Frankel, and talk about all of these people as if the choices they make impact your life?"  "Will you be able to carry on engaging conversation about whether the RHONY is better with or without Jill Zarin?" And we women need to take a look in the mirror and honestly answer questions such as "Is it okay that, starting in late August every year of your married life when college football begins, your husband will start watching Sports Center in the early morning hours on Saturday and not leave the TV until midnight?" He may say things like, "Did you make chili? Can you bring me a beer? Can you do something with the kids to get them out of my way? The game is on." If two people can deal with these TV scenarios, then I give you at least one decade.

My favorite Skinny Girl, Bethenny

In Laws
Ah, the true gift of marriage that keeps on giving.  Your in laws.  This is a very real consideration when determining how much success you can expect from a marriage. My firm belief is that every family is crazy in their own wacky, lovable way.  It may be your great uncle who drinks too much beer and takes his false teeth out at parties.  It may be your mother-in-law who likes to come over unannounced at 10 pm (when you are trying to watch Bravo).  Regardless of what it is, couples need to be aware of the fact that when you marry someone, you are also marrying the entire line of crazy behind them. Online dating services need to work this into their profile matching with questions like, "If you have someone in your life who is constantly talking about how your cooking isn't as good as hers, is that okay or will you go nuts one day and slip a little something into her latte?" "Is it okay for you to be constantly emasculated by a man who insists he should be the one to fix everything in your house because you don't have the right pair of needle-nose pliers?"

Household Chores
Most people don't really talk about this before getting married.  From most married couples I know and in my own life, it goes a little something like this:  "Men, will you accept the fact that you are responsible for taking out the trash, changing the light bulbs, scooping dog poop, killing bugs and cleaning out the garage?" "Women, will you accept that you have to do everything else?  Everyday, forever?"

Children
If you're like 98 percent of other married couples, you're going to have a few of the ankle biters.  This is where many marriages get into trouble.  Having kids is demanding work if you want to do it right.  And, while online dating services do ask questions about children, I think this is what couples really need to consider: If neither of you (especially mom) doesn't shower for two or more days, is that okay? Are you fine with not being able to have an adult conversation for about 15 years? Can you watch the Disney channel and not feel sick?  Can you view breasts as a food source? Are you offended by granny panties? Can you shop/eat/think/do everything with just one hand? Can you accept that you will always talk about your children, even when you swear you won't because you're on a date night? Child rearing is a marathon, people.

  M I C (see you real soon) K E Y (why? because we like you!) M O U S E ! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While this certainly isn't all inclusive, I think it paints a fairly good picture of what couples need to think about before embarking on marriage. And, what no dating site tells you because they can't turn this into a formula, is that the most important dimension of compatibility is finding that special person who loves you exactly the way you are and doesn't want to change anything about you. If you can find that person, everything else falls into place and you can watch TV, do your chores, raise your kids, love your in laws and be thankful every day for what you've got.

Sleepless in Dayton, Ohio

Sleepless in Dayton, Ohio

As if I wasn't cranky enough, I opened my most recent issue of Oprah magazine to find out from Dr. Oz that out of the 10 worst things I can do for my health, number two is not getting enough sleep.  Really?  It's only topped by sitting all day.  And, if you're sleep deprived, you are probably spending your waking hours on your ass, not wanting to move.  Because you're tired.

This is not me.  Because I don't sleep and am apparently slowly killing myself.

According to Dr. Oz, not getting the recommended 7-8 hours of sleep every night (does anyone sleep that much?) is going to make me fat, increase my risk of heart problems, screw up my metabolism (hence aforementioned fatness), make me look older, ruin my mood (probably because I look older) and just generally make me a version of myself that no one really wants be around.  All this from not getting seven hours of sleep?

I can rattle off the reasons I don't sleep....you've heard them before.  I am a busy mother of three who juggles work, home life and Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter/Us Magazine. These things take time and focus.  But, behind these very real factors that keep the Sandman at bay, there is more that I guess I need to come to terms with so that I can reverse these years of self-induced deterioration.

First of all, my kids are getting older and they now stay up late.  I have always been a firm believer that I cannot be outlasted by children. They lack the years of experience that I have in staying up late looking for something completely mindless on TV.  With my kids pushing at least 10 or 10:30 before they hit the sheets, what am I supposed to do? I need at least one hour or more to have quiet, to have the remote and to have the couch all to myself.

My real life, real kids. Who wouldn't want to stay up for them?

 Second, I need uninterrupted time to drink wine.  I can drink a glass of wine in front of my kids, but then I get the questions like, "at school we learned that alcohol is bad. Do you drink more than one or two drinks at a time?" If that isn't a buzz kill, I don't know what is. What ever happened to basic math and reading? And, despite every article telling you that alcohol makes it harder to sleep well, who can deny that a glass of cab helps you drift off at least 10 minutes quicker?

I also challenge any couple with young-ish kids to tell me any time they get to "know" each other (as in Adam and Eve) that doesn't involve A) staying up later than you want to B) getting up earlier than you want to or C) going out of town. It's just a basic reality.

Lastly, despite my staying up late and having wine and trying to work in a little quality couple time, I still get up early.  Why?  Because when are we women supposed to work out?  We need to get up at the butt crack of dawn, slog on our running shoes and head out so that we can be back, shower (okay maybe not shower), and get the day started before our hubbies leave for work and our kids get up. I have learned a hard fact of life....if I don't do this early, I don't do it. If you can work out at 3 in the afternoon, good for you!

My good friend Cab

So where does this leave me?  I just hope that because I do exercise and I do drink green smoothies for breakfast every morning and I do have strong social relationships and a happy marriage and all those other things that are good for you, that it will all balance itself out.  Maybe my good habits will pull me from committing the second worst health sin to maybe the fifth or sixth.  Because I still want to stay up late and watch Andy Cohen. The Housewives matter.  I still want an hour of quiet with a glass of wine when my kids are asleep, my house is my own and my floors are free of toys to talk with my husband about our days, our tomorrows and when we might have sex next.

And, as they have always said, I can sleep when I'm six feet under.