Five Signs You're a Mom

In case having little children follow you around, calling you "mommy" or having food stains on your shirt or finding a DS game cartridge or odd barrette in your purse isn't enough to help you fully grasp your momhood, here are some other signs that typically highlight the fact that we aren't women living the footloose, fancy free, single life any longer.

These are my three...they follow me around and call me mommy...

You Adopt a New Way of Speaking
I'm not talking about the inevitable "baby talk" we do with our babies and toddlers, where everything takes on that high-pitched, saccharin tone and words all rhyme like a Wiggles song.  I'm talking about that more sophisticated brand of momspeak, where we start our sentences with authoritative phrasology like, "We don't say words like that..." or "One. (long pause) Two. (long pause) Three..." or my all time favorite, "Stupid is a bad word." Okay, stupid is not a bad word.  It's a very purposeful adjective that describes a wide array of people, situations, news stories, current events...the list goes on. I use the word stupid a lot when my kids are gone. That, as well as dumb, idiot, and moron. As you can see, I have a very broad vocabulary that has been put on a high shelf since becoming a mother.

You Go on Daytime Pilgrimages to Target
Target is Mecca for moms with even 30 minutes of free time during the day.  There is a magnetic pull to Target, like a moth to the flame. It's as if $100 is saying to you, "spend me at Target. Go for diapers but buy a bunch more stuff."  This is what happens. You are being a dutiful mother, going to Target, in your yoga pants and double layered tank tops, to buy snack baggies or some other very necessary household item, and you see that cute shirt for $10, those adorable striped tights for your daughter, that $8 Beyblade your son has been wanting.  This happens in nearly every aisle. Inexpensive pet toys. Trendy jewelry. Home decor. And before you know it, you grab that final box of granola bars and your snack baggie trip has turned into $100 of merchandise you never knew you needed.  It's the secret mom code of Target shopping. We're all there, between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m., knowingly nodding to each other with our carts full of crap and kids too young for school, asking if they can have a bag of popcorn to eat while you shop. Don't be ashamed of this. It's a badge of motherhood.

The logo we all know and love.

You Have Pets You May or May Not Want
I have as many pets as I do kids. That equals three of each.  That is a lot of life to take care of, and that doesn't even count my husband.  Don't get me wrong.  I am a pet lover and all my pets are well taken care of. But, there are days, when my dog is sitting at my feet, slobber covered chew toy in mouth, just knowing she is going to win this competition of wills, and I ask myself, "how did I get talked into getting a dog?" You know the answer. My kids wanted a dog. My kids who are at school all day, at practice/activities/stuff all night and on the weekend, are playing with other kids in the neighborhood. My kids don't have a dog.  I have a dog. And, she is laying next to me right now. See...here she is...

Coco is a sweet dog. And she's mine!

 You Get Asked "Who's Babysitting?" if You're Wearing Makeup
I remember the days when putting on eyeliner was a part of my daily morning routine.  My morning routine is now:
1. Get out of bed, put hair in knot.
2. Throw on yoga pants and double layered tank tops. Brush teeth.
3. Make cup of coffee in my Keurig.  I love my Keurig.
4. Ensure backpacks are all ready, lunches packed, notes written.
5. Wake kids and get them ready.
6. Leave my house to make my daily trip to school. Go to Target. Spend $100.

Nowhere in this routine is makeup of any kind involved.  It's freeing in a way; to be able to rub my eyes with abandon throughout the day and avoid looking like a raccoon.  But, if I do ever put on makeup, my kids immediately take this as a cue that a babysitter will be coming over in 30 minutes or less.  I always get asked,"Where are you going?" "Will other kids be there?" "Who is babysitting us?" If my answer is, "I'm not going anywhere," I get quizzical looks that say to me "I don't understand. Why do you look like that if you're not going out? Where is our mother? Where are your yoga pants?"

You Have An Opinion on Whether One Direction is Better than Justin Bieber
Or, generally, you know who these people are, along with every Disney star, Nickelodeon show and all words to all Taylor Swift songs.  There are days I'll be driving in my car alone, and then realize I've been listening to Radio Disney for 30 minutes. And singing along.  I remember when I listened to Nine Inch Nails in my car.  Now I can't listen to that. I think they use the word "stupid".

Who Needs Obama or Romney? We Have Channing Tatum!

Just when I was wondering what I was going to do with myself with all the campaign ads, calls and witty Facebook posts behind me, People magazine announced its Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.  In case you missed it, it's Channing Tatum.  In case you don't know who he is, he's that guy in Magic Mike. If you don't know that movie title, then, well, I just don't know...

This scene pretty much sums up all of Magic Mike. If you missed it, here is the movie in one, majestic image.

Yes, the actor that first caught everyone's eye in the gripping dance epic, Step Up, has climbed to the top, in spite of 21 Jump Street, to be named the man we should most want to "be" with.  I will fully admit that he's cute.  And young enough to be emotionally pliable.  I like that in a man.

But this annual naming of the "sexiest man" did get me wondering what real women, not a panel of editors at People, consider sexy.  Is it a cute guy with no shirt, and pants that he can rip off in one motion, all the while looking shiny and slick from copious amounts of oil he's slathered on himself?   I guess in a pinch that works, but I think the average woman wants a little more in her sexy.

What woman doesn't love a man who contributes to basic domestic duties?  I like a guy who takes out the trash, kills bugs, changes light bulbs, fixes things I can't (everything), rakes leaves, blows snow and can make his own cup of coffee. Can Channing do these things?  All that dance training might have gotten in the way.

He is no Channing Tatum but he did just change a light bulb. Hot, right?

I also think women like men who aren't afraid of their softer side.  There is nothing better than a man who will flip through the pages of Us Magazine with you and decide that weekly plaguing question, "who wore it best?"

And what woman doesn't like a man who is good with kids?  Watching your husband have an imaginary tea party with your daughters or being extra nice to the neighborhood kids by buying all the wrapping paper, note cards, cookie dough and coupon books they're selling is the surest way for him to earn some extra "cuddling." A good baby daddy is a sexy daddy.

There are baby daddies and then there are baby daddies, you know?

Most importantly, a sexy man is one who thinks his woman is sexy.  A man who loves to look at you, even in your grandma robe and slippers, even when you're sick and snotty, even when you may or may not have showered that day, and even when you haven't lost the baby weight (and your kids are teenagers) is sexy.  Does Channing think I'm sexy?  I doubt it. Loser.

Does all this mean that Channing Tatum doesn't deserve to be the Sexiest Man Alive? After all my wondering, he is a strong contender if we think of past winners.  He did hold his own against Matthew McConaughey, which would be hard to do.  He was sexiest man alive too, and he doesn't even wear deodorant, according to himself. I think BO should disqualify any man from this award. Johnny Depp also won. And while I love all his wacky weirdness, he does smoke about five packs of cigarettes a day. I think he would smell too.

Okay, Channing can keep is title. But just for one year. Then, the women of America will be submitting our nominations for the 2013 winner.

My Thanksgiving Christmas List, Written before Halloween in my Easter Dress

In case you missed it, we just wrapped up Halloween 2012.  It was cold. It was wet. It was windy. I ate the leftover candy.

I might have eaten this much. Or maybe a little more.

But the bigger story that unfolded before my eyes, as I slogged through Target throughout October, trying to find just the right balance of "cute-not-slutty" costumes for my girls and an "action-but-not-violent-yet-not wimpy" costume for Gabe, was that our national Holiday Split Personality Disorder is getting worse.  We, my friends, are Halloween, Christmas and Thanksgiving (the lesser loved, not so cute, stepchild) all at the same time.  We run from one themed retail area to the other, not really knowing what month we're in, what holiday we should be spending our money on next or how to get ahead of the tidal wave of holiday "spirit' washing us away.  Sounds great, right?

This was the general look I was avoiding for my kids...

I know this is the creation of Wal-Mart and other retailers whose goal is to convince us that we must be shopping for something every single waking moment of our lives.  What happens if we don't start Christmas layaway in August? Will we get the best Halloween costumes if we don't get them the day after July 4? And this is a moot question, because everyone knows the best costumes are homemade. But I digress...

I remember when we were shocked that Christmas decorations came out November 1.  We could not wrap our heads around the fact that we were seeing trees in stores, tinsel in the aisles, jingle bells at the check out, and it wasn't even Thanksgiving.

This year, the decorations came out earlier than I ever remember, convincing my children that they need to start asking me for Christmas presents in September.  If I were retired, or my mother, I may be buying Christmas gifts in September. But, sadly for my kids, I am me. Which means no one gets gifts purchased for them until about December 15.  And, while I can blame this on being busy, I think that deep down, there is the sentimental part of me that puts off Christmas as long as I can because I have a soft spot for Thanksgiving. You remember Thanksgiving. It's the one squished between Halloween and Christmas.

I do believe, but I just want to postpone all the crap!

Give me three glasses of wine, and I will give you my impassioned speech about why Thanksgiving doesn't matter in our culture.  It's because Thanksgiving is the only holiday we haven't turned into a buying opportunity. There's no box of chocolate. No present under the tree. No pillowcase full of cheap candy. No Easter Basket.  It's just about being thankful and the precise reason it has always been, and always will be, my favorite of all holidays. 

So instead of the typical Christmas List, which I love - don't get me wrong - I am writing a Thanksgiving List.  My list of wishes for this Thanksgiving.  (Imagine glass of wine in hand, lots of hand motions and me putting my arm around you as I read this to you as if you can't read by yourself).

1.  I wish Thanksgiving could be celebrated in its own lovely right and not sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas. Give Thanksgiving some breathing room, people!
2. I wish everyone could eat my Aunt Donna's pumpkin pie.
3.  I hope that no one makes ambrosia salad.
4.  I hope the turkey isn't dry.
5.  I hope that there are good football games that day.
6.  I hope that I can take the traditional Thanksgiving nap.
7.  I hope my kids feel thankful for all they have.
8. I hope I feel thankful for all I have.
9. I hope that families everywhere can take a minute, between basting the turkey and fluffing the stuffing, to look around and realize that the simple act of being and eating together is fundamental to our well being.
10. I hope that my kids carry on the traditions of my family Thanksgivings because they are part of the fabric of us. And that is a beautiful thing.
11.  I hope we never turn Thanksgiving into a shopping opportunity because it would change the very meaning of the day.
12.  I hope that while everyone starts to get caught up in the spirit of Christmas, deciding where to hide the Elf on the Shelf and what cookies to make, that they'll postpone it a few weeks and enjoy their blessings.
13. I hope that you know, since you're reading this, that I'm thankful for you. All your comments and encouragement as I've started this writing endeavor have helped me immensely and mean a lot.

14.  And as the first Thanksgiving turkey probably said all those years ago,  Gobble Gobble.