Alcohol Should Be on the School Supply List. For Mommy.

On Tuesday, my kids go back to school.  Let me repeat that so you understand.  ON TUESDAY, MY KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! Can you tell that I'm excited?

Don't get me wrong.  I love summer break.  Treating poison ivy and bug bites is one of my favorite past times. And what mom doesn't love the back door continually opening and then slamming shut every 30 seconds?  "I need to go to the bathroom.  I need a drink of water. I forgot my this. I want my that. I scraped my knee. It's hot outside. There are bees out there. Can I come in?" It's like music to my ears.

My kids should be doing things like this but they are too busy coming in and out of the house to actually do this.

I know that I am speaking for everyone here when I say that the bestest, best part of summer vacation is the activity that truly highlights the end of it:  the annual purchasing of school supplies.

I look back fondly to when I had just one child in school.  The list of supplies needed to forge ahead one grade level was so streamlined; so easy.  Now, with three children, the lists have multiplied and taken me over.  I can't organize them in my head.  As I stood at Target last week, amid a sea of other mothers with the same dazed look on their faces as I had on my own, I realized something.  School supply shopping sucks. And here's why.

I would like to propose that a school supply fairy be invented by whoever invented all the other fairies.

You have to take your children.
There is nothing worse than shopping for at least 75 items in a store packed with other people while you have your children with you.  It's chaotic, loud and not for the weak of spirit, bringing out that nagging question mothers often ask themselves in times like these..."what would my life be like without kids?" Fantasies of meandering down a beach, or walking the streets of New York in really great shoes come to mind. You look skinny and put together; you have a great bag that does not contain headbands, goldfish and the random DS game; and you don't even know what a composition notebook is. Then, some child in Target runs a cart into your heels and you're painfully shocked back into reality.  You brush off your 30 second fantasy life and are dropped back into the never ending aisle of #2 pencils.

Here I am living my NYC life.  Oh, wait. That's Bethenny Frankel. My NYC life would be more like this...

Image from Rob Lang Images

I would love nothing more than to leave my kids home while I shop for three-subject notebooks, protractors, binders and scientific calculators, but I can't because my kids are fashion oriented and must pick out folders and notebooks and pencils that all coordinate and fall into whatever theme they have designated as appropriate for this year. So they go with me.

Teachers Intentionally Try to Torture Us with Supplies that Don't Exist.
If I had a dollar (or really even a nickel) for every time the supply list specified "five yellow highlighters" only to go to the store to find out they are sold in packs of four, I would be rich. And then, I could pay some poor underling to shop for me. 

Why does this happen? Do teachers not ever shop for these items and understand the quantities that Crayola, Rose Art and Mead deem appropriate?  Why do we need 12 markers when they come in packs of 8 or 10? Why does the expandable folder need to have seven pockets when most have 5 or 6? Is the goal to make me go slowly insane? To break me down? To make me cry like a baby and have everyone at Target stare at me with pity and disgust all at the same time? If I were in charge of the world (that would be fun), I would shorten supply lists to be something like this:

• Pencils 
• Pens (any color; they can be retractable; go crazy)
• Colored pencils
• Markers
• Scissors, glue and tape
• Ruler (it does not have to be transparent)
• As many notebooks as you have subjects (we trust you learned to count in your previous grades at this fine school)
• some large containment device for papers and other stuff (and yes, you can buy a Trapper Keeper) 
• Wine or other cocktail of choice for the adult purchasing the specified supplies

We Now Are Responsible for All Classroom Supplies
Baby wipes, Clorox wipes, tissues, papertowels, dry erase markers, dry erasers, stickers, baggies, aluminum foil, plastic wrap.  Need I say more?

As I get ready for the big first day of school, I am filled with anticipation.  The house to myself, coffee in the quiet. Maybe even a sneak peak at daytime Bravo programming, which is off limits all summer long. And, of course, the loose supplies that are sent back home with my kids because they were one or two more than what was needed for the classroom. 

My Online Soulmate...What eHarmony Can't Tell Me

It's one of my most plaguing questions....would eHarmony, the online matchmaking service that claims responsibility for five percent of U.S. marriages, match me with my husband of nearly 16 years?  If the two of us completed their profile, based on 29 distinct "dimensions of compatibility", would we, in fact, be compatible?

Cheri and Frank look happy, right? They must have matched at least 15 dimensions of compatibility

Bryan and I have pondered this as we spend time with one of our top five dimensions of compatibility -- our television. Nothing brings us closer than assessing all the people on TV that have nothing to do with our actual lives, yet capture so much of our interest. This past weekend as we were wondering if Joe Giudice is as much of an ass in person as he seems on the RHONJ, we saw an ad for eHarmony that was advertising a weekend of free matches.  This again, launched the question in my head...would online science prove that Bryan is my soul mate?

I investigated all the factors eHarmony takes into consideration -- sociability, self concept, family background, education, the list goes on and on. I firmly agree that all these things are important in meeting the right person and embarking on a relationship that has sticking power. But, after having ridden this ship for 16 years, I really think there are more probing "dimensions of compatibility" that keep you married. 

Television (yes, I love TV)
The modern American household has four TVs (okay, I made that up but I know Americans have a lot of them).  This means that TV is important, right? There needs to be a section in all online dating services where men answer questions like, "Will you, in fact, be willing to watch anything on Bravo, pretend that you actually know Bethenny Frankel, and talk about all of these people as if the choices they make impact your life?"  "Will you be able to carry on engaging conversation about whether the RHONY is better with or without Jill Zarin?" And we women need to take a look in the mirror and honestly answer questions such as "Is it okay that, starting in late August every year of your married life when college football begins, your husband will start watching Sports Center in the early morning hours on Saturday and not leave the TV until midnight?" He may say things like, "Did you make chili? Can you bring me a beer? Can you do something with the kids to get them out of my way? The game is on." If two people can deal with these TV scenarios, then I give you at least one decade.

My favorite Skinny Girl, Bethenny

In Laws
Ah, the true gift of marriage that keeps on giving.  Your in laws.  This is a very real consideration when determining how much success you can expect from a marriage. My firm belief is that every family is crazy in their own wacky, lovable way.  It may be your great uncle who drinks too much beer and takes his false teeth out at parties.  It may be your mother-in-law who likes to come over unannounced at 10 pm (when you are trying to watch Bravo).  Regardless of what it is, couples need to be aware of the fact that when you marry someone, you are also marrying the entire line of crazy behind them. Online dating services need to work this into their profile matching with questions like, "If you have someone in your life who is constantly talking about how your cooking isn't as good as hers, is that okay or will you go nuts one day and slip a little something into her latte?" "Is it okay for you to be constantly emasculated by a man who insists he should be the one to fix everything in your house because you don't have the right pair of needle-nose pliers?"

Household Chores
Most people don't really talk about this before getting married.  From most married couples I know and in my own life, it goes a little something like this:  "Men, will you accept the fact that you are responsible for taking out the trash, changing the light bulbs, scooping dog poop, killing bugs and cleaning out the garage?" "Women, will you accept that you have to do everything else?  Everyday, forever?"

Children
If you're like 98 percent of other married couples, you're going to have a few of the ankle biters.  This is where many marriages get into trouble.  Having kids is demanding work if you want to do it right.  And, while online dating services do ask questions about children, I think this is what couples really need to consider: If neither of you (especially mom) doesn't shower for two or more days, is that okay? Are you fine with not being able to have an adult conversation for about 15 years? Can you watch the Disney channel and not feel sick?  Can you view breasts as a food source? Are you offended by granny panties? Can you shop/eat/think/do everything with just one hand? Can you accept that you will always talk about your children, even when you swear you won't because you're on a date night? Child rearing is a marathon, people.

  M I C (see you real soon) K E Y (why? because we like you!) M O U S E ! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While this certainly isn't all inclusive, I think it paints a fairly good picture of what couples need to think about before embarking on marriage. And, what no dating site tells you because they can't turn this into a formula, is that the most important dimension of compatibility is finding that special person who loves you exactly the way you are and doesn't want to change anything about you. If you can find that person, everything else falls into place and you can watch TV, do your chores, raise your kids, love your in laws and be thankful every day for what you've got.